You know what is scary? Being in your 40s looking at the reset button for your life. I mean when you are in your 40s you don't ever think to yourself “Lets start at square one”. Everything that you did the last 20 odd years doesn't count. How do you reinvent yourself after you are older, grayer with less hair, and financially “unresolved”. That is a pretty fun endeavor to tackle isn't it?

Truth is apart from the soul crushing fear you would expect from finding yourself in the US economy circa 2019 I think I needed it. For a long time I've been stuck. Stuck in a job that didn't fulfill me. I've had a self image that I didn't like. I had an optimistic view of life but a pessimistic view on me in that life. So I need that shot in the arm and kick in the pants that will make everything crystallize in my mind and make me do everything the right way for now on. Just one problem. Where do you find those shots and kicks? Nobody is giving them away anywhere. And trust me I've checked.

Things were so much easier in 1980's after school specials. Someone would walk in a room and just tell you, “You know the answer is ...” and boom problem solved, success montage and ending credits. But in real life you have to actually work and practice to change yourself. One of the true injustices about reality. So starting now I'm planning to work my way though this like I work all my problems. Overthink it completely.

1. Don't just say it... BE IT Everyone has a vision of what they are. I'm no different. But for years now I've been what people told me I was instead of being what I know I am. Maybe it was because I was too lazy to work at making my inner vision my true self. Maybe it was me feeling like I wasn't worthy of being that person I thought I was. Either way I know for sure if you aren't yourself professionally and personally you are never happy. And not being happy is not fun. So I'm reminding myself everyday who I really am and how there isn't any choice to be anything else. And if they isn't enough reason to work at what I need to be then I got bigger problems than I thought.

2. Work to live and not live to work. I am not an alpha personality. I'm not the football captain, the czar, nor the life of the party. I don't impose my will on anyone. And I perhaps like to make people happy for that praise to make myself feel better. This lends me to work harder and longer than I need to so I can be the ultimate team player. What I've found is this is great for my co-workers but not good for me and my personal life. I need to love what I do and be more efficient doing it. That way I am more sure of what I'm doing and spend less time doing it. Plus I just want to enjoy the work I do again. Liking who I do it around is nice. But loving the work you do is most important for me now.

3. Turn things I like into learning hobbies. I have a lot of things I like to do. A lot of them dealing with computers and TV. I need to turn those likes into hobbies that will help me learn. I'm no spring chicken. So I need to take every chance I can to learn something I can use professionally. Be it a programming project, video and audio editing, photography. I need to direct my likes into skills I can direct into professional skills. Like maybe a political podcast for my state by 2020. Now that is a goal.

4. Health I'm not in shape. My son reminds me all the time. And I would like to be in his life for as long as possible. And that is not going to happen at this rate. Walking, no sodas, less sugar are all on tap for this year. Less fried foods too. Oh that one is going to hurt.

There is more to come. But I need to focus on those right to to get to a good start. Because I known for a long time I didn't like who I was. But now I want to finally be who I am. And I hope that makes more sense in real life than how I wrote it.

...To Be Continued.